Steph and I have gotten really into Top Chef. It’s the rare reality contest show where everyone is legitimately talented, and also, who doesn’t love their food porn? Also, we enjoy pretending that Padma Lakshmi is a cold-blooded psychopath that keeps herself from going out into the city and murdering bums and prostitutes by torturing these poor chefs with barbed comments and long pauses. Thank you, Top Chef, for saving us from the murderous Lakshmi.
The problem is not with the show, it’s where we watch it. If we want to binge an entire season of Top Chef, we have to watch it on Hulu. This in itself isn’t bad either: Hulu is a decent service. It’s not as good as Netflix, but it’s got a different selection and a lot of really great shows. The problem is that, unlike Netflix, if you pay for Hulu Plus, you still get ads. And not, “Hey, go buy our cars!” ads. Experimental ads. Psychopathic ads. Ads that are deeply, soul-chillingly creepy. There are so many of them that I’m actually going to do a series on them.
Buffalo Bill’s Penis-Sheath Condoms
If you didn’t have a minute to watch that, it’s a condom ad. Specifically for wearing Skyn condoms, which are already the creepiest condom on the market. The idea behind them is that they “feel so good, they’re basically like skin.” Everyone knows that condoms are the worst. Yeah, you should wear a condom when you have sex just to be safe, and yeah, safe sex and family planning are important. And yes, making condoms feel better is important if people want to convince kids and irresponsible types to wear them while having sex. But drawing attention to the fact that they feel like skin is incredibly disturbing. Because I’ve never been having sex and thought, “You know what would make this better? Having my penis sheathed in the skin of another penis.” That’s some Padma Lakshmi-level crazy shit there. If Padma Lakshmi had a penis, that is1.
This commercial, though, is literally the worst condom commercial ever in a world where there has never once been a good condom commercial. It shows a pretty woman in lingerie basically writhing on white sheets and talking about how much she loves sex but hates condoms but loves Skyn condom’s specialized Buffalo Bill penis skin-sheaths, and then at the end, she turns to the camera, and says “Worth trying if you like sex. You do like sex… don’t you?”
The camera cuts away before she can shout, “PROVE IT TO ME, PUSSY!” and then berate you while you burst into tears. You get the sense that whatever creepy Christian Grey-wannabe ad-exec that had the final rubber (ha!) stamp on this commercial, “Yeah, it’s great guys. Just one thing: you know how all sexual encounters begin with belittlement, then a ball-tap and a dare? Yeah, maybe let’s do that at the end so all the men watching suddenly have the compulsion to quash their feelings of loneliness and inadequacy with some violent sexual aggression.”
And this isn’t even the worst ad on Hulu right now.
1. In her freezer, she has several.↩