So you’re in the market for a new government

So you’re in the market for a new government

Is your government rickety and dysfunctional?  Does it make loud scary noises when you’re trying to get it to perform basic functions?  Are you scared every time you take it out for a spin?

If you answered yes to all of these questions, you should be in the market for a new government!  There are a lot of beautiful governments out there, but there are a lot of stinkers too, so you should inform yourself as to what you’re buying!  Here’s what’s out there on the market:

Anarcho-Syndicalism

Basically there’s no more state and everything is run by Unions.

Pros:  Everyone is dancing around singing tunes from Newsies.  All Republicans literally die of disbelief.

Cons:  Life becomes eerily similar to Season 2 of The Wire.  Taxes are pretty much just Union dues now.

Randian Libertarianism

The government only exists if it serves you personally.

Pros:  Shrugging becomes a symbolic gesture.  You don’t have to share your toys.  You get to watch The Incredibles a whole lot.

Cons:  Love is frowned upon unless it’s self-love.  Ted Cruz cannot stop jizzing on everything.

French Revolutionary Utopianism

Step 1:  Build the barricades.

Step 2:  Cut the fat ones down to size.

Step 3:  ???????

Step 4:  Profit.

Pros:  Lots of singing and dancing.  Street urchins become charming bullet collectors.

Cons:  The charming street urchins will all die.  Your friends will all die.  You’ll die.  Everything stays the same.

Sub-Saharan Kleptocracy

A charismatic egomaniac runs the state.  Literally does not give a shit about you unless you’re his psychopath son.  Either finds oil instantly or ends up dead in a ditch on fire.

Pros:  There are a lot of scenic refugee camps popping up right across the border.  You learn a lot about self-reliance/reliance on charitable but clueless western NGOs.  Piracy becomes a legitimate career option.

Cons:  Just an unbelievable amount of AIDS.  Western countries use your front yard as a toxic waste dumping ground thanks to a deal fearless leader cut with Monsanto.  If your listed cause of death isn’t AIDS or famine, it will almost certainly be “Collateral Damage.”

Totalitarian Cult of Personality

One man is in charge.  That man is God.  His word is Gospel.

Pros:  The Man could be Colin Firth.

Cons:  The Man will probably not be Colin Firth.

"Occupy" Utopia

Well, there will definitely be no capitalism anymore.  And no student loans.  And no banks.  And no more pencils.  No more books.  No more teacher’s dirty looks.

Pros:  There will be a lot of bad things that aren’t bad anymore.

Cons:  The government just got evicted from its tent in the park.

Sustainable Green Democracy

Populist democracy with an emphasis on environmentalism and social justice.

Pros:  We won’t all be dead in 200 years.  Also probably no more ATM fees.

Cons:  It… it just sounds exhausting.

Remember though, while you’re shopping for a new government, to take your time.  Belgium had a 589-day government shutdown in 2010-2011, and now they’re better than ever*!

*They still have waffles there, right?  Right?  Then they’re doing fucking fine.

Here are a few people who probably shouldn’t win the Nobel Peace Prize

Here are a few people who probably shouldn’t win the Nobel Peace Prize

Using a fundamental misunderstanding of science to feel better about life

Using a fundamental misunderstanding of science to feel better about life