Here are a few people who probably shouldn’t win the Nobel Peace Prize
Each year, the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize is picked by the Norwegian Nobel Committee. While the Norwegians are very good at being able to tell what’s a fjord and what’s not a fjord, they are less good at telling what’s peace and what’s not peace.
In fact, of late, those crazy Norwegians have been pretty shitty across the board and telling what is peace and what is not peace. While they’ve had strange picks in the past – Henry Kissinger, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Yasser Arafat come to mind – in the past seven years, they’ve made some kinda dumb choices. Their list, just since 2006, includes:
- Mohammed Yunus. The microcredit guy who found a nice capitalist way to end poverty, despite it not at all ending poverty.
- Barack Obama. Seriously. Like, less than a year into his first term.
- Al Gore. For An Inconvenient Truth. Because that frog metaphor really stuck with us.
- The European Union. Because – I am not kidding – they abstained from having a world war for over half a century.
Because of this poor string of choices, and since the Nobel Peace Prize will be announced on Friday, I want to make sure that the Norwegian Nobel Committee is aware that the following people should not win the Nobel Peace Prize this year.
Rootin’ Tootin’ Putin, as he’s known in my head, was nominated for this year’s prize. This doesn’t actually mean anything, because it’s incredibly easy to be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Rootie Patootie, in being nominated, joins the ranks of Adolf Hitler, and Joseph Stalin, and the reason isn’t just that the Norwegian Nobel Committee can’t tell the difference between peace and not peace, but because technically, any member of a national government can nominate someone for the prize. So, in theory, Bashar al-Assad could have one of his cronies nominate him, and the nomination would be accepted. Ted Cruz could nominate his favorite person ever – Ted Cruz – for the Nobel Peace Prize and, as a matter of protocol, the Nobel Committee would have to consider him.
But Scootie-ya-Bootie, nomination aside, should not be considered, because HE’S THE CREEPIEST MAN ON THE PLANET. Yes, I know he’s appalling when it comes to gay rights, I know he makes it a habit to mysteriously kill off journalists, and, oh yeah, HE WORKED FOR THE FUCKING KGB, but none of that matters in the light of this photograph:
End of discussion. Kids in my generation had Martin Luther King, Jr., and Mahatma Gandhi to look up to as Prize Winners. Kids these days will have Fishy McNippleson.
Bear with me here. While he seems like a ridiculous person to even consider considering, the Nobel Committee seems to really have a thing for:
a) Rewarding people for not being dicks anymore. They gave an award to F.W. deKlerk, the last apartheid President, for choosing to not be a segregationist asshole anymore. The same year, the award was given to Nelson Mandela, too, because clearly they were on equal footing. Yasser Arafat was given a joint award with Israeli Prime Ministers Shimon Peres and Yitzhak Rabin for chilling the fuck out in the Holy Land. Nothing has gone wrong there since. And Henry Kissinger and Vietnamese politician Le Duc Tho were given the award in 1973, for ending the war in Vietnam. Le Duc Tho refused the award because oh, wait, the war still wasn’t over. And it wouldn’t be for another two years.
b) Rewarding people pre-emptively. While Obama campaigned on a foreign policy that was more multilateral and cooperative, he hadn’t actually had the time to implement that policy when he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The Norwegians just wanted to hitch onto the Hope/Change train before it fizzled in the wake of two continuing wars and an increased drone policy. Kissinger/Tho, and Peres/Rabin/Arafat are other examples of the Norwegians prematurely blowing their proverbial load.
With these two points in mind, Syrian Dictator and genocidaire Bashar al-Assad might seem like a tempting pick, especially because he’s talked about not gassing his people anymore, but refrain, Norway. Refrain.
Really, Anyone Living
As much as I’m rooting for Malala (whose name I pronounce to the tune of Beethoven’s Fifth), no one who is alive should get the Nobel Peace Prize. In part, this is because sometimes we pick people like Mohammed Yunus because we thought, “Oh shit, that bro ended poverty!” and then like, ten years down the line, we’re like, “Oh shit, that bro found out how to get people with zero credit and zero assets into crippling debt!” Also, people who are dead don’t have the potential to suddenly become unpeaceful, or maybe be a dick in a way that will end their sterling reputation. Consider Greg Mortenson, the Three Cups of Tea guy who was pushing for girls education in Pakistan and Afghanistan. He was nominated for the Nobel Prize a few years back, and then it came out that he had been misusing a lot of his organization’s funds, and had also made up a bunch of shit in the book that had made him famous.
Your argument may bem “Oh, but living winners get the reward money, which they can then use to further their cause!” Well, no. The Committee historically doesn’t care about that at all. They gave the award to the European Union. It’s $1 million in prize money. The EU is worth $17.2 trillion. They spent that Nobel money on hors d’oeuvres for one of their more gauche soirees.
Anyone Who Has Been in Charge of a Country
I mean, while I realize that people who are in charge of their country are tempting choices, because they are high profile and have a lot of influence over the lives of the people of the world, it’s probably better to always pick civilians. Because really only with the exception of Gavrilo Princip, civilians have a tendency to not start wars or enact policies that kill tons of people.
With all of this in mind, I suggest that the Norwegian Nobel Committee, instead of continuing their trend of misidentifying everything except fjords, should instead start to treat the Nobel Peace Prize as more of a posthumous Chill Ass Bro Hall of Fame. Because then we can look back over the past centuries and pick out people whose only legacy has been peaceful. And hey! We can start with Alfred Nobel!