23 ideas for fixing America’s problems

23 ideas for fixing America’s problems

  1. Change to an “everything is on fire” system.
  2. Everyone chooses to be gay and all the people who aren’t willing to give parenting the time, effort and money required to do in vitro fertilization slowly die out.
  3. Let Kanye get in his zone.
  4. Give every politician a sockful of nickels, send them into the Thunderdome, and whoever comes out is our new overlord.
  5. Institute a parliamentary dictatorship.
  6. We all pretend to understand dogs and then obey what they say.
  7. The Constitution is just the lyrics to “Bullet with Butterfly Wings” by Smashing Pumpkins, all up to interpretation by an appointed-for-life Supreme Court.
  8. We all admit the apex of humanity was the “Peanuts” Christmas special and walk hand-in-hand into the sea.
  9. We change our justice system so that if you do anything wrong, Chris Pratt refuses to give you a good night hug.
  10. We play the “Chariots of Fire” theme until everyone kills themselves.
  11. We convert the entire country into a laser tag course and have some fun while the world collapses around us.
  12. Make bodily fluids the only currency. Solve income inequality forever.
  13. White men only get to speak when spoken to.
  14. Require every cable news channel to always carry a picture-in-picture box featuring hardcore pornography so everyone either watches something else or watches it for much more noble reasons.
  15. Massive, mandatory, worldwide orgy to blow off all the sexual tension.
  16. Everyone over the age of 10 is executed, everyone under 10 is allowed to grow up. Economy presumably becomes centered around bringing back Dinosaurs and finally inventing a working Iron Man suit.
  17. We all unite to fight the one true common enemy: mosquitoes.
  18. Just shrug and give all the money to the Koch Brothers. They want it the most, anyway.
  19. Play Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir” on loop until every male dies of prolonged, throbbing erections. Women are now totally in charge.
  20. We force Y to always be a vowel.
  21. Rename every world capital “Bonetown.” Everyone is at least clear on what goes on there.
  22. Awake Cthulhu.
  23. Create a new law where you’re forbidden to buy a product if you think that the CEO of the company that makes the product is kind of a dick.

Featured Photo: Judy Van Der Velden

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