The friends in Friends are terrible friends

The friends in Friends are terrible friends

Friends is on Netflix, so that’s all Steph and I do anymore. It’s a terrible, dated, ridiculous show, but I have a soft spot for terrible sitcoms. I’ve watched all of How I Met Your Mother several times, all in spite of a seething hatred for its main character, and I kinda love The Big Bang Theory in spite of myself. But rewatching Friends, I’m realizing something: the friends in Friends are terrible friends. Not only are they terrible friends, they’re terrible people. Here’s the structure of an episode:

1. Someone comes into the coffee shop, everyone shouts “Norm!”

2. “Monica used to be fat!” joke. She laughs on the outside, takes a step closer to a horrible, anorexic death on the inside.

“Hey gang! See that clearly depressed man across the street? Let’s point and laugh at him and refer to him only as ‘ugly naked guy’!”

“Hey gang! See that clearly depressed man across the street? Let’s point and laugh at him and refer to him only as ‘ugly naked guy’!”

3. Someone lies about a small thing that they absolutely didn’t need to lie about.

4. The Friends theme. Younger versions of these characters dance around in a New York fountain that, as this is the 90’s, is presumably filled with crack-addict ejaculate.

5. “Ross got divorced and we mock him for this in spite of his severe emotional trauma!” joke.

“Women only think about marriage! Hahaha! The only thing that can fill this empty hole in my life is a penis!”

“Women only think about marriage! Hahaha! The only thing that can fill this empty hole in my life is a penis!”

6. The lie begins to snowball, wackadoo hijinks ensue. Somebody hides behind a purple piece of furniture.

7. Chandler and Joey worry that they’re gay. Chandler covers this anxiety by weirdly modulating his voice, Joey fucks something.

Friends writers: “Guys, how fucking awesome and bleak would it be if we created a character who gives America a glimpse into the black abyss of human id?”

Friends writers: “Guys, how fucking awesome and bleak would it be if we created a character who gives America a glimpse into the black abyss of human id?”

8. The lie has now turned into a fantastically huge avalanche, ripping apart lives as it bears down upon its initial teller.

9. Rachel says something horribly shallow.

10. Catastrophe! Entire villages destroyed! Bodies strewn everywhere! The lie is revealed and is immediately forgiven with a hug.

11. Phoebe sacrifices a terrified cat to the Prince of Darkness.

Or something like that. I’m usually pretty tuned out at the end.

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