The tricky linguistic politics of telling this winter to suck a dick

The tricky linguistic politics of telling this winter to suck a dick

T’S HARD HATING WINTER as much as I do and expressing it in a way that’s consistent with my values. I have no moral objection to obscenity, profanity, or even graphic sexual imagery, but I worry that telling this winter to “suck my dick” is in some way homophobic or misogynistic: is telling something to “suck your dick” as an insult a way of degrading those that do suck dicks? Or does it imply that the act of sucking a dick, which is, if we’re being honest, a favor of the highest order, is actually an act of sad submission?

I can’t say “go fuck yourself,” because honestly, “go fuck yourself” has always seemed like a pretty mild thing to order someone to do. “Hey!” I’m basically saying, “Go touch yourself in a way that makes you feel incredibly good!”

No. I don’t want this winter to feel good. I want it to feel the cold I’ve felt. I want it to see the world in only three colors: black, white, and sludgy brown and feel vaguely lifeless because of it. I want this winter to slip endlessly on hidden ice and twist its ankles. I want it to take something that it values as much as I value the gorgeous beach on the edge of my town and cover it in gross, brownish-white snow drifts. I want it to have to dig a tiny, no-wheel-drive Honda Fit out of a 6-foot snow bank 4 times in a month using nothing but a discarded beer pail because its landlord is too negligent to buy a communal shovel. I want it to get fucked.

But no. That’s not quite it. If you’re getting fucked and not enjoying it, then that’s basically rape, and I don’t condone that at all, nor would I want to make light of it through my language. I would love — love — to call this winter a cunt. But no: there’s no equally offensive word for men, and thus, the use of the word is unfair, derogatory, and unnecessarily paints being a woman as an extremely negative thing.

I know a lot of people would say I’m being too PC. But the type of people who can dismiss taking care with your language as “Political Correctness” are the type of people who delude themselves into thinking that words don’t matter. And I’m not on board with that. So I have to keep slogging through my internal insult dictionary, much like I slogged to the bar through an atrocious, disgusting wintry mix last night, in order to find the adequate words to appropriately express how much I hate this winter.

Maybe I can flip the script and insult this winter like it’s a dude. It’s certainly fucked me over in a billion different tiny ways. It’s pissed on my plans, made me look bad, made me feel shitty about myself, and has sent me spiraling into a minor depression. It’s like the high school bully of seasons. It’s like the dumb jock of annual meteorological intervals. It’s like the patriarchy of Earth-to-Sun axial tilt orientations.

Okay. Let’s try that: Fuck you, Winter. You peaked too early, and now everyone is just going to remember you as a sad, ugly, cautionary tale. No one liked being with you, winter, not really: it’s just that they had to given the circumstances, since you absorbed so much of the attention and had the ability to make life living hell for those who didn’t want to play your shitty games. You’re just going to slowly fade out of people’s memories as they go on to bigger and better things, while you’ll be stuck in your singular moment in time, reliving the times where you briefly, mildly impressed the people around you, and then lost their interest when they realized what you really were. You’ll watch, impotently, as Spring slowly takes your place, and you’ll realize at the last that your power was fleeting, and that you were never able to truly inspire love through fear.

You’re going to be forgotten, winter. You left a trail of destruction in your wake, but all tyrants must die. Now go fuck yourself.

Featured photo by Alex Szymanek.

No, Duck Dynasty guy, “atheist” does not mean “amoral”

No, Duck Dynasty guy, “atheist” does not mean “amoral”

Aliens made of fart gas might be a real thing

Aliens made of fart gas might be a real thing